Why I kicked self-help

I have a secret: I am a metaphysical self-help junkie in recovery. In the beginning of my spiritual journey, it was bad... I had every Hayhouse book under the sun, everything from weight issues to business. I devoured these booksAnd I did what they told me, which was everything from meditate for 30 minutes right when you wake up to making gratitude lists. 

And all the authors write beautifully and sure as shit know what they are talking about. Most of it was stuff I already knew, not because I had read it in the previous book, but because spiritual connection delivers you wisdom that sometimes you didn’t know you had. I just didn’t trust my wisdom, I needed to hear it from other people. So I found myself grasping at straws. One week I was meditating for 30 minutes first thing in the morning, the next week I was creating vision boards. A month later I was creating gratitude lists every day. After that I moved onto some form of self-hypnosis. It was about 6 months of this and my vibration had been systematically lowered to disempowerment. Know what happens when you read a book that promises you will feel better if you do what it says, and then you give up on it? You feel like shit. You move onto the next one because the feeling of not being able to do very simple things is the worst. But then that one ends up with the same shit feeling. It's like yo-yo dieting. 

After about 6 months I gave up reading. It was fucking liberating. I was no longer clouding my intuition with other people’s wisdom. I remember I took a stack of books to the healer I was seeing at the time and told her to give them to whoever she saw fit. She looked at me like I was crazy and told me that she thought I would need the book  “spirit junkie” in the future. That was the first time I let my gut override a teacher. And I never looked back. 

This all sounds like I am against self-help. I’m not. The right book or person can change your life and I often recommend books in the healing letters I write with custom pieces. All I know is that the answer is not in ALL the books. But then again, I don’t have your answer. I only have my answer, which is that I only read books that allow me to get closer to myself. That allow me to build my own routines and to find my own answers. They are open-ended and ask questions and allow me to figure my own shit out. Danielle LaPorte’s “Fire Starter Sessions” is nearly a bible to me. I have read it a dozen times, and since so much of it is questions, it feels like I am reading old diary entries half the time. But it allows me to reflect. She is not preachy, and she is certainly not trying to get me to do things that helped her. She is giving me the tools to carve my own path. 

Not everything has been smooth sailing since I kicked books. But I didn’t question my intuition when it told me that it’s my struggles and trials that are polishing me. Like any spiritual guru that writes about how they got out of their “dark space” and share their answers, I knew that my own, unique answers were coming to me in their natural way. Trying on other peoples was just delaying my own from coming.